The following is a porn review. Before we get to it, however, I want to point something out.
I can, using the stats for this website, find out what referred you to this page. Specifically, I can see search strings. What this means is that I know what you're Googling, you sick fucks, and what you're Googling, every damn month, is this:
Every month. Those words. Every month.
The word you're looking for is "prolapse." If you searched for "weightlifter prolapse bowel," you'd get what you're really after, you anally fixated weirdos, but instead of asking you to remember such a complex, polysyllabic word, I'll just give you what you want. Enjoy.
And now, the porn review.
I've only seen two Bear porn videos. The first was Powerhouse Bears, which worked just fine for me. I'll let someone else review that one; I don't have much to say about it, apart from "hooray for Kyle Ross's dick."
The second "Bear" porn I've seen was Bears & Cubs, available from Adam and Company, and that's the porn that I'll be reviewing here.
Actually, this won't be much of a review. It's going to be more of a detailed warning. I may not have seen much gay porn, and not much more straight porn while I was younger and closeted, but I do recognize crap when I see it, and I saw a lot of it on this videotape.
Shall we begin?
The first thing you see, after the brief opening credits, is Dave Barry in the shower.
I'll just pause a moment here, and let that sink in.
Hmm, hm, hmmm...
Now, I adore Mr. Barry's writing just as much as the next guy, but I think we all stand together on this when I say that, in terms of visceral, masculine attraction, Dave Barry is about as erotically stimulating as a tax audit. However, somehow, the good people at Adam and Company decided that Dave Barry should be their flagship whack piece, so to speak, and so he's the first thing that you see on Bears & Cubs.
Strangely enough, the first thing you hear is crickets. Loud crickets. So you've got Dave Barry showering, and crickets. Are you with me? This gets more complicated.
The next thing you see is Dave toweling off, and then he ties a shoestring around the base of his admittedly large and impressive dick. Then he's lying on his bed, beating off.
I should take a moment to describe his dick. It's a wonderful dick. It's enormous, and impossibly hard. It's as fat, and long, and curved, and hard as a rhino's horn with a plum stuck on the end. He uses both hands— both hands!— to beat himself off, and he puts the thing through no small amount of abuse. Throughout, it stays just as hard, and just as glorious. It's quite a dick.
The only problem, of course, is that, not only is Dave Barry's head indirectly connected to that beautiful dick, but it also looks like he's wearing Bonne Bell Lip Gloss, the kind my little sister wore in junior high.
Erotic? That would be "no."
So we've got Dave Barry wearing lip-gloss and beating an enormous dick that's tied up with a shoestring, and crickets. Eventually, and to our collective relief, he comes, and we move on.
The next scene has J.D. Slater, who is a moderately hairy wolfish man with an eagle tattoo on his upper arm, and he's wearing black leather chaps over a pair of tattered jeans. J.D. gets his dick sucked for a while by a hairless sixteen-year-old version of Tony Goldwyn— only this guy's pastier. The set was a chiropractor's table surrounded by lots and lots of off-white stucco, and mirrors. That I was paying such close attention to the set lets you know how arousing the scene was.
Even more distracting than the set was the music. Okay, I know... I know. Porn music is never good. It's useless to point it out now, because we've been making fun of it for decades. "Wockachickawockachickawocka... "
But this music was extra-bad. Somehow, the producer decided that, instead of using the standard Barbizon Beauty College / DeVry Institute canned infomercial crap that they normally patter over this stuff, he would try something a little— spacier.
So we get young Tony, sucking away on J.D.'s pecker, and what we hear is one part Music For Airports, and one part Sinister Cloud Theme Music from Star Trek: The Motion Picture. It's as if Brian Eno had reworked the soundtrack to Forbidden Planet. The only thing missing was the Theremin. It's VERY distracting.
Oh yeah, eventually they come.
The next scene is unbelievable. It's Twink Wank with voice-over. The scene opens with a skinny, hairless white kid with a bad brown fro doing naked squats with a thirty-pound barbell. Outside, through the window, you can see a skinny blond surfer kid wearing a yellow tank-top and shorts.
At this point, you should probably be thinking precisely what I was thinking. Where the fuck were the bears? The videotape's label promised, "A collection of the burliest and furriest daddies with their young, smooth & wild cubs ever captured on film." When I bought it, I figured that I'd have to put up with the occasional twink to get at what I really wanted to see. However, if this is what Adam and Company considers burly and furry, we are all well-advised to look elsewhere. It's not that the actors are all shaved. It's that they don't look old enough to shave. Where were the bears?
So the twinkie frizz kid does his presumably hyper-erotic deep knee bends to a voice-over that is supposed to be from the blond's point of view. It begins thusly:
"I think working out makes him horny as hell. I think he works out just to get his blood going, so he can jack off to a magazine, or find somebody... you know... like you?
"He wants it. He wants it bad."
Someone actually sat down and wrote that.
The problem with the narration, apart from its obvious ineptitude, is that the vocal talent had a headcold when he voiced it, and his nose is stuffed up. So instead of sounding erotic, or coy, the voice-over sounds like it was read by a cartoon turtle.
"I thingk working gout bakes hib hordy as hell."
By this time, I was openly giggling.
Okay, so the surfer walks in on the weightlifter, who puts down the barbell, and then the surfer blows the weightlifter on the stairs. Then they're on a bed, and the surfer jams his dick up the weightlifter's ass a few times, and then they jack off. The maddening narration continues throughout. Then they come, and the voice-over shuts up, and they cuddle for a while, which is nice.
The next scene opens up with— a bear! There's a bear in this bear video! He's a thin bear, and he's...
Uh oh. He's wearing a scoutmaster's uniform. This does not bode well.
The lighting is bad. You can't see his face. You can make out his beard; it's a good one. His shirt is open, and he's got a nice, nuzzleable furry front. Slung from the open "v" of his unzipped trousers is another beautiful cock. The man is gifted. It's only half-hard at first, but It's got a nice, plump, swinging heft to it. He moils it around in his big hands for a while. We can hear those damn crickets again.
We are interrupted by the bear's jack-off partner, who is a dark-haired, eighteen-year-old Boy Scout with That Cheesy Mustache.
You know the one.
The kid briefly blows the bear, and then they separate and jack themselves off. They jack off for four and a half minutes, and that's it. Horrible, horrible lighting. You can't really see anything, and this has been the most interesting scene so far.
The next scene is fraternity hazing gone hideously wrong. It's a circle jerk, of sorts. We see four skinny, hairless, pasty-white nineteen-year-old guys jacking off onto another skinny, hairless, pasty-white nineteen-year-old guy, who is also jacking off. One of them is flaccid throughout, and he doesn't even bother to try to hide it. That's it. The scene lasts for about six weeks.
The next scene is brief and forgettable. Two guys, sucking and jacking. No facial hair, but some chest fur. I am excited to see that they're in their twenties.
The next scene is actually— drumroll, please!— arousing. Sort of.
We see a mustached and furryfurryfurry Italian leather daddy playing with his foreskin. Nice dick! I suddenly sit up, and start to enjoy myself.
Along comes the leather daddy's smooth musclecub, who has this gargantuan, vein-choked, uncut dick hanging out of his boxers, and dad proceeds to suck it while rubbing his own chest and belly fur. It's a marvelous moment. Watching this bear suck a huge cock with great gusto, and watching his jaw and throat muscles working underneath a gorgeously dense five-o'clock shadow, made me very happy indeed.
Suddenly, and without warning, they're docking. I had to rewind it, to make sure that I hadn't missed some sort of transition. Sucking... sucking... sucking... docking. Nope. Didn't miss anything.
Okay, so they're docking. Never seen this before! And it's... interesting. The cub wraps the bear's foreskin over the head of his own penis, and then he wraps his own foreskin over the whole thing. Boy! That's a big dick. And then they sort of push back and forth, back and forth, roiling around inside their foreskins. And... and...
I decide quickly that docking is lame. A friend described it best: It's like a Chinese Finger Puzzle. It's probably fun for a few minutes, for curiosity's sake, but there isn't much to do after it's accomplished. What does one do afterward? Do you shake hands? Do you salute one another? Is the docking maneuver complete, sir?
In this case, they simply cut away to the same two men jerking themselves off, onto a mirror on the floor. This is where the scene goes horribly wrong. I don't know why— maybe the scriptwriter went off to go get a Fresca, or something— but they decided to let these two men— oh God— ad lib their lines.
What a mistake. These men had absolutely nothing to work with, and so we were treated to insightful spontaneity such as, "What studs we are!" and "Great dicks we got, reflecting down in that mirror!" and the scintillating, "We've got twice as much cock as we've got in our hands!" This is when I shot actual beer out of my nose. Porn actors shouldn't ad lib.
When the cub finally came— and he came a lot— he screamed, "Yeah, fucker!" six or seven times, while having a spectacular grand mal seizure. I kept expecting the bear to force a wallet into his mouth, so he wouldn't bite through his own tongue.
My absolute favorite line from this scene was, "Nasty fucker, stroke the man!"
Next is a solo scene of a smooth black man beating off, over which they've dubbed the "Yeah, fucker!" dialogue from the previous scene! Your guess is as good as mine.
Next are three smooth black bodybuilders fucking the hell out of each other. One has a cast on his arm. Judging from their gymnastics, he probably broke it during an earlier video shoot. They look like they're having a great time, but darn it! I want fur!
And finally, finally, FINALLY, I get fur in the next scene. In fact, this scene contains the bear that I bought the entire tape for.
He's a beautiful man. Any part of him would get a second look from me. Medium-tallish. Graying, chestnut-colored hair, and equally gray, dense beard. A broad back, with one of those thick, chunky torsos that I love so much. He's deep through the chest, and distinctly muscled.
And furry! His curly forearm-fur doesn't stop at the elbows; it continues all the way up to his shoulders. While he's lying on his back and panting, his chest and belly are a heaving, golden meadow.
Best of all, he's friendly-handsome. There is nothing severe, or brutal about him. He's a good daddy.
I have no idea what his name is. I don't even know what his porn-name is, or if he even has one. I wrote to both Adam and Company and the online retailer that sold me the tape, asking for his name, and if they had anything else with him in it. Neither of them responded. I can't find him anywhere else.
They've got him coupled with yet another bodybuilder in this scene. The bodybuilder is a smooth Italian hunk with a George Reeves Superman hairdo. They're outdoors, next to an RV. At first, the bodybuilder is showering from a hose, while the bear blows him. You do not see the bear's face, but you see his gorgeously furry back. The hunk appears more interested in the shower than he does the blowjob. The scene lasts...
21 seconds.
We immediately cut to the same couple. The bear is lying in the weeds. The hunk squats over the bear's face, tugging on his own half-flaccid dick, while the bear enthusiastically munches ass and beats off. After a moment of this, the bear starts to come, and then something so annoying, so infuriating happens, that I almost ejected the tape and threw it across the room.
I don't know why. Maybe the sound crew, not satisfied in fucking up the entire production from start to finish, felt that they weren't doing their jobs if they didn't twiddle every goddamned knob on their consoles during the mastering process. Whatever the goddamned stupid fucking reason, the sound guys, in their boundless wisdom, decided to put a two-second delay on the dialogue when the bear came. It makes no sense at all. The bear was muffled enough, what with the ass-munching going on, but with the delay added, the clip became wholly surreal.
I have tried, as best I can, to duplicate here what it sounded like. Believe me, this looks bizarre, but it comes nowhere near the weirdness of the actual recording. When the bear came, delay and all, it sounded a little like this:
"Huh. Huh. Mumma mum... Huh! Mumma CUM! Mumma mum Huh! Mumma CUM! Eeee-rah! (pause) Eeee-rah! Mmphargerty-ayle! Mmphargerty-ayle! Owm! (pause) Owm! Gnoom. (pause) Gnoom. Grawn! (pause) Grawn! Ah-wa! Huh. Ah-wa! Huh. Ah-ooah! (pause) Ah-ooah! Doolah-wa... Doolah-wa... "
And then he starts laughing and panting and going "whooo!" in that good-natured, exhausted way that we all love so much.
We never get to see the bear's face. If he wasn't on the cover, I wouldn't know what he looks like.
The entire scene, beginning to end, lasts one and a half minutes.
(I'm never listening to another porn for as long as I live. From now on, I'm doing as I've often done before. I'll put the porn tape in, turn the sound down, and put music on. Maxwell's Embrya and Urban Hang Suite are both well-suited for this little application. The music is a little repetitive, but if you're listening to it closely, you're doing it wrong. Maxwell didn't record those albums for you to study. It's utility music.)
There are a couple of more scenes after that one, but it's hardly worth going into them. Next are two furless guys. One of them jacks off like he's playing Combat on the Atari 2600.
Next is a Peter Riegert look-alike who's fucking Leonardo DiCaprio in front of the same stucco and mirrors that we saw earlier, and then, finally, the whole video is wrapped up with Scott Baio blowing a black drill sergeant on the set of Xanadu.
Save your money, folks. It's not even weird enough to be fun.
Last updated 17 October 2004
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